Just Keep Swimming

The Disney/Pixar movie Finding Nemo is the story of a fish named Marlin who is searching for his lost son, Nemo. Marlin's journey is desperate and fraught with peril, but he shares it with a friend he meets along the way named Dory. In a humorous reference to real-life fish, Dory is hindered by a very brief short-term memory. She has trouble remembering where she and Marlin are or what they're doing. She's frequently confused, but even in the face of danger, she remains upbeat. Marlin is often hopeless, but Dory is always ready to keep going. "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming," she sings to herself.

It's very easy to laugh at Dory, her mindless optimism, and her "Just keep swimming" mantra, but without Dory, Marlin would have failed in his quest to find his son. She spurred him on when he felt that everything was hopeless. She wouldn't quit, and she didn't let Marlin quit either. There were points in the movie when it seemed like they would never find Nemo, but that didn't stop Dory. You could dismiss Dory's buoyant spirit as the product of a limited mind, but I think to do so would be to miss an important lesson.

There are times in my life when I feel like Marlin. I am engaged in a task that seems hopeless, striving against an obstacle that feels too big for me. I am being sabotaged at every turn, pushed and prodded by forces that seem determined to break me. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel or the way out of the valley. I'm just here, with no idea about how to get to a better place. I'm lost or stuck or defeated. Logic suggests my cause is hopeless. But even when all seems lost, I know I will do well to remember Dory and to "just keep swimming".

I remind myself that things often seemed hopeless to the apostles and the prophets. After all, several of them died violent deaths, so for some of them death itself was the only light at the end of the tunnel of their suffering. But that doesn't mean they should have given up. Their work was important even though it was difficult and painful, and their efforts were successful even though they were left unfinished. Sometimes we have tasks that are too big for us to finish alone, but that doesn't make our work meaningless. Sometimes we suffer with no end in sight, but we do have the promise of a happy ending—eventually we will be with God, and we even get glimpses of that joy in our relationship with Him here on Earth. Even now, in the valleys of our struggles, God is with us, sustaining us and offering us grace. No matter how miserable I feel, I know that my life is greater than my suffering, more beautiful than darkness, and worth more than I can appreciate at the time.

When my spirit is broken, I must remind myself that God's love and mercy are real and that joy exists somewhere in the midst of the darkness. When my heart suffers, I must remember that proof of God's love is all around me and that no hardship can tarnish His promises to me. When my mind is cynical and my faith falters, I must find the part deep inside of me that will never forget that God is real and that His love conquers all. God never promised me an easy ride. He didn't even promise that this world would be fair or that if I worked hard enough I would reap the virtues I have sown in this life. Sometimes people will hurt me, and sometimes I will get kicked down and trampled for things that aren't my fault at all. But that is no sign that God has abandoned me or that I should give up. It means that God is strengthening me, giving me whatever I need to persevere, even if it feels like I'm only squeaking by.

I may not be able to see the way out or to imagine the successful completion of the many challenges before me, but everything WILL be all right. As daunting as things may sometimes seem, all I really have to do is just keep swimming. In the end, God will take care of the rest.

It's My Life

Lately, I've been sick and tired of feeling like I have no say whatsoever in my life. Why should I always have to do as I'm told? Why should I be forced to provide financial security while my husband finishes grad school? Why should I be expected to complete work tasks that aren't in my job description? Why am I stuck in a life trajectory that doesn't seem to be leading toward my dreams? Why am I spending so much time doing what others need or expect from me? Why am I killing myself trying to figure out what God wants me to be doing? When do I get to do what I want to do? When do I get to enjoy myself or be at peace or take it easy? It's my life, isn't it?

And after I have one of these little tirades, I rein myself in and remember the cold, hard truth. No, as a matter of fact, it isn't my life. I didn't will myself into existence. I didn't buy myself a free pass. I haven't redeemed my sins. I am not independent of the God who made me, and I don't have sole ownership over a life that is irrevocably entwined with the lives of others. Although I am clearly a very important player in my life, it's not all about me.

That is really hard to swallow sometimes. Nobody really wants to be a servant or a slave, no matter how much he or she loves the master. We want to be a trusted team member, a valued colleague, a beloved family member. And sometimes we are, but sometimes we have to just shut up and do as we're told. When I was a child, like all children, I found it dreadfully unfair that I should have to do what the adults said simply because they're adults. And yet, here I am, knowing that I must obey God whether His instructions make any sense to me or not simply because He is God. Jonah didn't want to go to Ninevah, darn it, but in the end he went. I know it will be the same with me, but still I fight it sometimes.

Jonah didn't take any satisfaction in the fact that his actions saved an entire city from destruction. Likewise, I don't always care that my hard work is appreciated by my employer or that my husband values the sacrifices I make for my family. Sometimes I just want something for me. But as God explained to Jonah, there's the greater good to be considered. I should be able to find a truer happiness in serving God and serving the people I love than the happiness that comes with simply satisfying myself. Knowing that doesn't automatically make it easier for me to be happy, but it does lend me the perseverance and the faith I need to continue my search for the inner peace that I know will come from joyfully obeying the will of God in my life and willingly serving those around me.

Valley of the Shadow

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, 
For you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
—Psalm 23:4

I'm actually not really afraid of death. I expect Heaven to be much nicer than Earth, so to me death seems like heading off on an extended vacation. Besides, I am a young, healthy person, so death isn't a very strong concern for me right now. Death doesn't seem so bad—life is harder.

Although I may not be afraid of death, I am still afraid of a great many things.

• I am afraid of failing. I don't want to let the people I love down. I don't want to let God down. I don't want to let my employer down. As more and more tasks and responsibilities pile on top of me, I become more and more worried that I won't be able to successfully do everything that's being asked of me. What if something falls through the cracks? What if I don't meet a deadline? What if I'm not there when someone needs me? What if I don't do a good enough job? What if my carefully-laid plans fail? What if—despite all my talents and gifts—I fail to do what God put me on this Earth to do? 
• I am afraid of losing myself. It's very common for people to respond to pressure by making modifications in their lives. But how many modifications can I really make before I lose myself? At what point have I sacrificed too much of my own personality, my hopes, my dreams? How can I serve others and follow God without losing the self He created me to be along the way? 
• I am afraid of being misled. I read scripture and pray and talk to wise people, but sometimes I still worry that I can't always tell the difference between God's inspiration and my own errant thoughts. What if I think God wants me to go a certain direction or do a certain thing, but it turns out that God had nothing to do with it and it was my own idea all along? If endeavors don't work out right away, how do I know if God wants me to keep at them or give them up? Persevere or redirect? When I get pessimistic feelings about something, is that God trying to redirect me or Satan trying to lead me astray, or is it simply my own weak human nature? How do I tell the difference?
• I am afraid of being alone. What if I can't really count on the people I love? What if the people I depend on walk out of my life? After all, death could strike at any moment, or the people I prioritize in my life could choose not to prioritize me. Will I have help along my journey? I have friends, but will I have spiritual companions? Will I have wise mentors? Will I have trusted Christian friends who can help me discern and give me sound Spirit-guided advice when I feel lost? Am I really out here doing God's work on my own, or can I find ways to join forces with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ? How do I find the right people to team up with?

Each of these fears is like a shadow that pollutes my life and saps energy from me. Each one can be awakened by challenging circumstances or bad days.

Lately, there have been a lot of challenging circumstances and bad days in my life, so there have been a lot of shadows. I have spent the past summer in the valley of the shadow, and it hasn't been a fun time. I have survived the past months through dogged determination and reliance on the people closest to me. It hasn't been pretty. I've cried floods of tears, ranted and raved and any sympathetic person willing to listen, lost my energy and discarded once-loved activities (this blog included), adopted bad habits, and composed desperate logical arguments to convince myself to get out of bed every morning. But with the help of God and the people who loved me, I'm coming back out of the valley. There is life ahead of me, and I am moving toward it as quickly as I can.

I have to deal with these shadowy fears that plague me with the help of God. I need to recognize each of them for what they are—tricks of the Deceiver—and deny them power over my life. The fact is that sometimes I will fail. But God will ensure that my work for Him overcomes my failures, and he will forgive me for my shortcomings. Sometimes I may lose myself, but God will renew my spirit within me, and I will come back to myself as surely as I am coming out of my own personal valley right now. Sometimes I will be misled, despite my best efforts. Satan's lies are convincing, but God's Word is stronger, and He won't let me wander too far. God is watching out for me, and if I continue to seek His will, He will make sure I end up where I'm supposed to be. I may even have to go it alone from time to time, but God will always be with me, so I will never truly be alone. God is moving the hearts of many people around me, and He is constantly sending people into my path through both important relationships and fleeting interactions to convey His love and His guidance to me.

Fear is real to us humans, I won't deny that. But there is nothing I fear that God can't deal with. I know that I will have to walk through the valley of the shadow sometimes, and I will have to be exposed to my fears. It won't be fun, but I will always, always make it through to the other side because God will be there with me. His rod and His staff will take care of my personal demons sooner or later. In the meantime, it's hard. It really is. But the outcome—salvation, redemption, and deliverance—is guaranteed.

Influence

We don't like other people telling us what to do. We don't want to be manipulated or controlled, and we hate feeling like someone else's puppet. We don't appreciate being used to further someone else's cause without regard to our own interests. Power struggles are not fun, and that is in part we often yearn so strongly for our own independence.

As children, many of us reached a point where we were ready to rebel against our parents. We wanted to throw off the yoke of their control and flout their rules. We wanted to make our own decisions without regard to their opinions, and we no longer wanted to do what they told us to do. We wanted to be released under our own supervision, free to make our own choices as we see fit. We wanted to call the shots. Those of us who wanted freedom badly enough did sometimes throw off the advice and control of our parents. I never completely shut my parents out of my life, but I have felt the stirrings of rebellion in my own heart, and sometimes I still feel it today. On some level, I want desperately to be my own master.

The truth is, however, that none of us lives in a vacuum. We are all influenced by other people and other ideas. No matter how independent we are, we cannot control everything that happens to us nor arrive at every conclusion on our own. We use information from all around us to make decisions, sometimes without even realizing that we have been influenced. We will always see and react to the world around us, and we cannot shield ourselves completely from the influence of others. So instead of rebelliously trying to block everyone out to create an illusion of complete independence, we ought to choose more openly and responsibly just what we want to be influenced by.

There are both positive and negative influences in this world. There are people who want me to do certain things because those actions would benefit them, and there are people who want me to do what's best for myself. I can't shut them all out, so I need to be able to tell the difference. My parents, for example, did not create household rules out of a desire to manipulate me and make me jump through hoops. The rules were about my safety and well-being and the health of the family as a whole. My parents were a good influence, and I would have been foolish to try to expel them from my life. Some of my peers were not good influences. They weren't telling me what to do as an authority figure, but that didn't necessarily make them a healthier choice for me to listen to. Some of them were making poor decisions and would have tried to encourage me to do the same had I gotten close to them. But I recognized that they were not good influences.

Today I still make those types of decisions. I still have moments when I want to just run off and do my own thing without listening to anyone because I don't want to be manipulated and pushed around, but I realized that those feelings don't reflect reality. I can choose who and what to listen to without being manipulated, and I can make choices because they are good, not because someone is telling me to act accordingly. I can accept others' advice and direction and still be the primary actor in my own life. I can follow whatever path I deem to be best, even if it was laid out for me by someone else. Influence is inescapable, so I must choose the right people and ideas to influence me.

Sunshine On My Shoulders

Last week was cold and rainy. We'd been spoiled with some nice weather and then suddenly it felt like early spring again. We were so relieved when the weekend arrived and brought some sunshine and warmer temperatures with it. Now every morning when I wake up, the sun is streaming through the windows of my house, making everything seem bright and inviting. I've had the windows open for several days, and all the cooped up, stale smell of winter is gone. Just being in that sunshine perceptibly improves my mood. I wake up happy now, thinking about the lovely bike ride I'll have to work instead of all the tasks I'll have to do when I get there.

Everybody loves sunshine, and there are lots of reasons why. Our bodies like the vitamin D we get from the sun. We like to be warm, and we enjoy the light that the sun gives us. We like not having to turn the heat or the lights on in our house. We like being able to go outside in lighter clothes and enjoy outdoor activities. We like being able to see and appreciate all the colors in our world by the light of the sun, and we love the plants and trees that grow because of the sun's energy. The sun (and its location in relationship to the Earth) is what makes life on our planet possible at all.

But when I bask in the happiness that the sun brings, there's more than biology and physical comfort going on. God engineered all of us to respond well to reasonable levels of light. Light is at the foundation of the entire creation, and He uses it to remind us that He is taking care of us. God's first act of creation was to declare, "Let there be light!" and that command rings throughout our entire existence. As John so poetically put it, "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." (John 1:5) God has cast himself in the role of light, the one who shelters us from the life-quenching darkness. Without light—without God—we cannot exist. But we need not fear, because God will always be with us. The regular rising of the sun reminds me of that and teaches me to appreciate and expect God's tender care.

Sunshine is one of the most basic and universal gifts that God gives us. We need light to live, and therefore we are glad to have it. The sun shines for everyone, whether they love God or not, and that reminds us that God will be with us, trying to take care of us, whether we are faithful or not. I am thankful today for the sun and for everything it represents—health, warmth, happiness, and a loving God.