Sometimes my ego can be a very fragile thing. I balance myself precariously between the pitfalls of arrogance and self-doubt, and I worry about straying too far towards either side. I need to believe in my ability to do the work I've been given to do while recognizing that ability to be a gift from God and not the result of my own merit. I have to be confident but not cocky, humble but not overly self-critical. Trying to walk this fine line is one of the most difficult things I do as a Christian. I work hard to try to see myself and my talents as God sees them and to be happy with my work while still challenging myself to do better.
One thing that is difficult for me is dealing with the compliments and criticisms of others. I don't want to fall short of others' expectations or become complacent when others respond well to me. I used to try to solve this problem by telling myself that I don't care what other people think, but that's simply not true. So much of what I do is intended to be for the benefit of other people. If I am unable to make a positive impact on their lives, then I will feel that I haven't been wholly successful. I have realized, however, that even though commentary from others can help me improve, I needn't live by the praise or complaints of others. Compliments and criticisms can be helpful to me, but they are feedback, not judgment. People's opinions can be useful, but God's opinion is the one that really counts. His is the one I should truly care about. I endeavor to listen to what God is saying and to try to see things from His point of view.
One thing that God has taught me is that I don't have to achieve objective excellence in everything I do. It really doesn't matter whether I win awards or rise to the top of my field or community. What's important is the impact I have on the lives of others and the way I spread God's love in the world. I don't have to be 'the best' to positively impact the lives of others. For example, I frequently sing in church, and for a while I was really frustrated with my performances. My vocal technique was not as good as I wanted it to be, but every time I sang I would still receive many compliments from people who had been moved by my song. I felt embarrassed and frustrated by their praise because I knew I hadn't done my 'best'. I slowly learned, however, that my real goal was to touch people with my music, not to sing with technical perfection. I began to be able to feel good about my musical contributions even if I hadn't sung perfectly.
It's a beautiful thing that God has granted me success in spite of my imperfections. I don't need to be superlative in order to touch people's lives—I just need to be loving and faithful. My pride won't help me reach others, so I can learn to let it go. My failures can be salvaged by God's power and through the understanding of others who love me, so I don't have to punish myself for them. All I have to do is try, and God will turn my efforts into something truly magnificent, no matter how average they may seem on the surface.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
In Sickness and In Health
It's not very fun when my husband gets sick. When he doesn't feel well, he's inevitably crabby and whiny and I can't count on him to help out around the house at all. His sickness may place more demands on my time and energy. I may have to stay home and help out when I would rather have been out doing something else. I may find myself getting really irritated with him when he's sick, but I need to keep one very important thing in mind: sometimes I get sick too, and I'm just as cranky and useless when I do.
Relationships are at their best when both people are contributing and when things are balanced and healthy. With all of the obstacles life throws our way, however, none of us get to live that ideal all of the time. People get struck with sicknesses of both body and soul, and difficult issues crop up that we have to deal with. The people we love may develop special needs that require extra attention and energy from us. Sometimes we have to make allowances for people who are suffering and concentrate more on their needs than on what's fair. When that happens, it's not much fun for anyone.
God doesn't want Christians to be fair-weather friends. He's certainly not. I know that God has put up with a fair amount of trying behavior from me, and after all that He's still here supporting and strengthening me. At difficult times in my life I have screamed at God, cried and cried over a perceived lack of support, and even given God the cold shoulder by wandering off and trying to figure things out on my own. Still, God reached out to me even when I wasn't reaching out to Him. He gave 90% when I was only able to give 10%. But eventually things got better and our relationship stabilized, so it was all worth it as God must have known it would be.
I endeavor to be loyal to my loved ones even when it's hard. I want to be able to say "I love you" even if the other person can't say it back. I'm willing to be awoken at 4 a.m. for a tearful phone call. It's OK if I need to pick up the pile of used tissues or even if I need to help pick up the pieces when things fall apart. I can reach out to people who need me to make a special effort because they're unable to reach out to me, and I can make sacrifices to help people who can't deal with everything on their own. I believe that going 'above and beyond' when a loved one is sick or in trouble is really nothing more than behaving like a true friend. I promised to be faithful to my husband no matter what happens, but I feel that way about a whole host of people that I love. I'm going to be there for them through thick and thin because that's what love demands of me. It's a price I'm more than willing to pay because the resulting relationship is so beautiful and precious to me.
Relationships are at their best when both people are contributing and when things are balanced and healthy. With all of the obstacles life throws our way, however, none of us get to live that ideal all of the time. People get struck with sicknesses of both body and soul, and difficult issues crop up that we have to deal with. The people we love may develop special needs that require extra attention and energy from us. Sometimes we have to make allowances for people who are suffering and concentrate more on their needs than on what's fair. When that happens, it's not much fun for anyone.
God doesn't want Christians to be fair-weather friends. He's certainly not. I know that God has put up with a fair amount of trying behavior from me, and after all that He's still here supporting and strengthening me. At difficult times in my life I have screamed at God, cried and cried over a perceived lack of support, and even given God the cold shoulder by wandering off and trying to figure things out on my own. Still, God reached out to me even when I wasn't reaching out to Him. He gave 90% when I was only able to give 10%. But eventually things got better and our relationship stabilized, so it was all worth it as God must have known it would be.
I endeavor to be loyal to my loved ones even when it's hard. I want to be able to say "I love you" even if the other person can't say it back. I'm willing to be awoken at 4 a.m. for a tearful phone call. It's OK if I need to pick up the pile of used tissues or even if I need to help pick up the pieces when things fall apart. I can reach out to people who need me to make a special effort because they're unable to reach out to me, and I can make sacrifices to help people who can't deal with everything on their own. I believe that going 'above and beyond' when a loved one is sick or in trouble is really nothing more than behaving like a true friend. I promised to be faithful to my husband no matter what happens, but I feel that way about a whole host of people that I love. I'm going to be there for them through thick and thin because that's what love demands of me. It's a price I'm more than willing to pay because the resulting relationship is so beautiful and precious to me.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Family
People from all different cultures and traditions have strong feelings about family. Many of us feel special ties and obligations toward our family members. We would go out on a limb to help a family member, and we care deeply about family loyalty. Most of us expect family members to be with us when we celebrate—on holidays, at graduations, at weddings, and at our children's baptisms and educational milestones. We also expect them to be there when someone dies, when we are in the hospital, or when we're dealing with difficult issues. Our family is a support system built of blood and genes and heritage, and many of us really depend on it.
This strong expectation of family support can carry some heavy risks. Squabbles that might seem minor in another relationship can turn into major rifts within a family because the relationship is so emotionally charged. Family relationships can feel like a contract signed in blood, and when we feel that contract has been violated, we can get very upset. What's more, when family relationships become broken, it's harder to just walk away. I can always say that so-and-so used to be my friend, but I can't say that someone used to be my relative. We'll still be related by blood even if we aren't speaking, so I can never entirely erase that person from my life. That is part of the reason why I feel so motivated to maintain healthy family relationships and to put in the extra effort to deal with the emotional problems that may crop up. The fact that my family is always going to be there is actually a really positive thing. If I put in the work to keep those relationships strong, I'll know I have someone who will feel motivated to help me in my times of need. Even though maintaining good family ties may take more work than some of my other relationships because of all those emotional issues and heightened expectations, it's still worth it to me.
When I was in college, I had a tightly-knit group of friends. Some of those friends used to call me 'sister'. That seemed a bit odd to me at first. Some of them had strained relationships with their nuclear families and I could understand why they were looking for family elsewhere, but I didn't feel like I had that kind of void to fill. Still, I loved these friends very much, and eventually it didn't seem so strange to call them 'sister' in return. I started relying on these friends more and more, and in some very important ways they became like family members to me. A few years into our relationship, we had a clash of opinions on a very personal subject, and everything fell apart. I had betrayed their expectations of loyalty without meaning to, and the intense trust we had built up evaporated. We were having a family rift. It was more painful than any friendship problem I had ever experienced. I spent years trying to figure out how to erase them from my life, but they were always there in the back of my mind. I valued these relationships too much to leave them broken. Eventually I realized that I was not the only one who felt this way. Even though it had been years, we finally came back together to heal the wounds and restore our bond. And now here we are, family once more.
Jesus said that the entire fellowship of believers were members of his family, and the early apostles referred to each other as beloved brothers and sisters. I have read these things in the Bible many times, but it took these dear friends to teach me what it meant to expand my family beyond blood. I'm not replacing my relatives, I'm just growing a larger family and therefore building myself a stronger foundation. Jesus' family encompasses the whole world, so I don't think there's any such thing as too much family or too many loved ones. It's a wonderful feeling to have so many people to rely on and so many people to invest in. It's true that these relationships carry expectations that will place demands on my time and energy, but they're worth the extra effort. I am even willing to risk more painful family rifts, because I know that all of these altercations can ultimately be healed if there is enough love in the relationship. I can think of no better investment that I can make than sustaining a growing and loving family and providing them the same support that they give me.
This strong expectation of family support can carry some heavy risks. Squabbles that might seem minor in another relationship can turn into major rifts within a family because the relationship is so emotionally charged. Family relationships can feel like a contract signed in blood, and when we feel that contract has been violated, we can get very upset. What's more, when family relationships become broken, it's harder to just walk away. I can always say that so-and-so used to be my friend, but I can't say that someone used to be my relative. We'll still be related by blood even if we aren't speaking, so I can never entirely erase that person from my life. That is part of the reason why I feel so motivated to maintain healthy family relationships and to put in the extra effort to deal with the emotional problems that may crop up. The fact that my family is always going to be there is actually a really positive thing. If I put in the work to keep those relationships strong, I'll know I have someone who will feel motivated to help me in my times of need. Even though maintaining good family ties may take more work than some of my other relationships because of all those emotional issues and heightened expectations, it's still worth it to me.
When I was in college, I had a tightly-knit group of friends. Some of those friends used to call me 'sister'. That seemed a bit odd to me at first. Some of them had strained relationships with their nuclear families and I could understand why they were looking for family elsewhere, but I didn't feel like I had that kind of void to fill. Still, I loved these friends very much, and eventually it didn't seem so strange to call them 'sister' in return. I started relying on these friends more and more, and in some very important ways they became like family members to me. A few years into our relationship, we had a clash of opinions on a very personal subject, and everything fell apart. I had betrayed their expectations of loyalty without meaning to, and the intense trust we had built up evaporated. We were having a family rift. It was more painful than any friendship problem I had ever experienced. I spent years trying to figure out how to erase them from my life, but they were always there in the back of my mind. I valued these relationships too much to leave them broken. Eventually I realized that I was not the only one who felt this way. Even though it had been years, we finally came back together to heal the wounds and restore our bond. And now here we are, family once more.
Jesus said that the entire fellowship of believers were members of his family, and the early apostles referred to each other as beloved brothers and sisters. I have read these things in the Bible many times, but it took these dear friends to teach me what it meant to expand my family beyond blood. I'm not replacing my relatives, I'm just growing a larger family and therefore building myself a stronger foundation. Jesus' family encompasses the whole world, so I don't think there's any such thing as too much family or too many loved ones. It's a wonderful feeling to have so many people to rely on and so many people to invest in. It's true that these relationships carry expectations that will place demands on my time and energy, but they're worth the extra effort. I am even willing to risk more painful family rifts, because I know that all of these altercations can ultimately be healed if there is enough love in the relationship. I can think of no better investment that I can make than sustaining a growing and loving family and providing them the same support that they give me.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Endings
God has no beginning or end. His existence stretches out through eternity, encompassing an infinite scope that we can't even imagine. Because we know that our bodies will one day die, humans have trouble imagining a world without endings. As a Christian, however, I believe that my death will not be finite. It will really be a transition to a different kind of living, not an ending. I've come to realize that endings are something that we impose on ourselves to make sense of things that seem too vast to comprehend. We need closure and resolution and the ability to compartmentalize events into finite episodes so that we can understand them. But God doesn't really heed these endings that we make up for ourselves. God's way of love is a journey that has no end.
Sometimes I think that God wants us to stop putting so much store in endings, because they aren't as real as we think they are. The Bible shows that God has endured many rough patches with His people, but He never gave up on having a special relationship with them. God doesn't believe in terminated relationships because He knows that love doesn't have to end when things go wrong. There is always a chance for healing. I know firsthand what it feels like to experience a terrible rift in a friendship. I thought that a couple of my friendships had ended, only to discover after a lengthy estrangement that we still loved each other after all. In a couple of cases, I have come back together with beloved friends after years spent apart, discovering that our bond could grow to be even stronger than it was before. No matter how terrible of a fight I have with my family or friends, and no matter how long our wounds fester, it is never really too late to reconcile. If we love each other enough, we can choose to heal those wounds and to move forward again. We are not subject to unchangeable endings. We must deal with something far more challenging than fate—our own human choices about whether to renew love or walk away.
I've also come to believe that I never really have to give up. Just as I can choose to pursue healing in a broken relationship, I can also choose to keep fighting for the values I believe in, even if they seem like lost causes. Even though I may lose some battles, my lifelong struggle to live my faith never has to end. Even if I give up for a while, I can decide to try again and recommit myself to the tasks I care about. My journey toward becoming a better Christian will never end. It might involve pauses and even some backtracking, but I can always choose to keep going forward after a setback. Eventually I will die, but even then my life and the things I fought for will not be over. My soul will go on to be with God, and God will appoint others to take on the work I left unfinished.
Love and faith never really end because they are gifts from an eternal God. Because I am made in God's image and have the gift of the Holy Spirit, I don't have to be subject to endings anymore either. Just as Jesus will give me the power to defy death, God gives me the perseverance I need to heal relationships and to fight battles that the human world tells me are over. The endings are all in my mind, and with God's help, I can defy them.
Sometimes I think that God wants us to stop putting so much store in endings, because they aren't as real as we think they are. The Bible shows that God has endured many rough patches with His people, but He never gave up on having a special relationship with them. God doesn't believe in terminated relationships because He knows that love doesn't have to end when things go wrong. There is always a chance for healing. I know firsthand what it feels like to experience a terrible rift in a friendship. I thought that a couple of my friendships had ended, only to discover after a lengthy estrangement that we still loved each other after all. In a couple of cases, I have come back together with beloved friends after years spent apart, discovering that our bond could grow to be even stronger than it was before. No matter how terrible of a fight I have with my family or friends, and no matter how long our wounds fester, it is never really too late to reconcile. If we love each other enough, we can choose to heal those wounds and to move forward again. We are not subject to unchangeable endings. We must deal with something far more challenging than fate—our own human choices about whether to renew love or walk away.
I've also come to believe that I never really have to give up. Just as I can choose to pursue healing in a broken relationship, I can also choose to keep fighting for the values I believe in, even if they seem like lost causes. Even though I may lose some battles, my lifelong struggle to live my faith never has to end. Even if I give up for a while, I can decide to try again and recommit myself to the tasks I care about. My journey toward becoming a better Christian will never end. It might involve pauses and even some backtracking, but I can always choose to keep going forward after a setback. Eventually I will die, but even then my life and the things I fought for will not be over. My soul will go on to be with God, and God will appoint others to take on the work I left unfinished.
Love and faith never really end because they are gifts from an eternal God. Because I am made in God's image and have the gift of the Holy Spirit, I don't have to be subject to endings anymore either. Just as Jesus will give me the power to defy death, God gives me the perseverance I need to heal relationships and to fight battles that the human world tells me are over. The endings are all in my mind, and with God's help, I can defy them.
Friday, October 16, 2009
To Everything There Is a Season
This past Monday, it snowed most of the day. The trees were covered, and the college campus where I work looked like a winter wonderland. It made me want to hum Christmas carols. There's only one problem—it's mid-October. We're known to get snow around Halloween sometimes here in Minnesota, but according to the meteorologist, it's been 30 years since we've had this amount of snow this early in the year. It's supposed to be in the 50s or 60s right now, not the 30s or 40s. The leaves haven't even fully turned yet, and it was odd to see snow on top of green foliage. Right now, a part of me feels that I have been cheated out of my favorite season, a slight that's even worse considering that I live in a climate where we have to put up with five months of winter even in good years. What's more, I wasn't prepared for this cold snap—I didn't have enough sweaters or a coat that fits. Even when I went shopping I couldn't find everything I wanted because the stores aren't stocking some cold weather items yet. Everyone is complaining about the weather because we weren't ready for it, and we couldn't have predicted it a couple of weeks ago.
My life seems to have cycles much like the seasons. I expect my life to progress in a somewhat predictable way, but sometimes completely unexpected things happen. When they do, I sometimes feel angry about the unfairness of it all or I go into denial and try to pretend that things are how I want them to be. Those reactions don't really help me deal with the situation. Because I stopped being angry about the snow long enough to realize that it was beautiful, I was able to enjoy walking across campus and my resentment at missing out on fall eased a little. Likewise, because I accepted that snow really was coming at this absurdly early date, I was able to prepare myself by shopping for the clothes I need. If I hadn't taken action to deal with this seemingly ridiculous situation, I would be very cold right now. I find that being willing to adapt is a very important skill in my life. I have to be able to deal with whatever is thrown my way, even if it's not what I want right now.
We are all familiar with the saying 'to everything there is a season,' but we often want those seasons to be predictable. The seasons of our lives can be even more unpredictable than the weather, however. All kinds of things happen to us that we aren't ready for—we find ourselves in relationships we weren't expecting, we are called to do work we hadn't anticipated, and we sometimes move far away from where we thought we'd be. There are births and deaths and job changes, losses and gains of all kinds. Why should we expect to be able to predict the seasons? There is a time for everything, but it is not always the time we want or expect.
Each season, no matter when it comes, brings its own challenges and opportunities. When the snow came, I had a chance to walk through it with a content heart, laughing as the trees dumped splats of snow on my head. It's the same with the seasons of my life. When a time of mourning comes, I have a chance to use it to grow closer to God and to reach out to other people. When a time of loss comes, I have a chance to celebrate the blessings I do have. When a time of growth comes, I have a chance to appreciate what I'm gaining, even if I'm really tired. I don't want to waste these opportunities by being angry or stubborn about what season I think it should be. Sometimes I can't control the seasons of my life any more than I can control the weather, but I can learn to appreciate them nevertheless.
My life seems to have cycles much like the seasons. I expect my life to progress in a somewhat predictable way, but sometimes completely unexpected things happen. When they do, I sometimes feel angry about the unfairness of it all or I go into denial and try to pretend that things are how I want them to be. Those reactions don't really help me deal with the situation. Because I stopped being angry about the snow long enough to realize that it was beautiful, I was able to enjoy walking across campus and my resentment at missing out on fall eased a little. Likewise, because I accepted that snow really was coming at this absurdly early date, I was able to prepare myself by shopping for the clothes I need. If I hadn't taken action to deal with this seemingly ridiculous situation, I would be very cold right now. I find that being willing to adapt is a very important skill in my life. I have to be able to deal with whatever is thrown my way, even if it's not what I want right now.
We are all familiar with the saying 'to everything there is a season,' but we often want those seasons to be predictable. The seasons of our lives can be even more unpredictable than the weather, however. All kinds of things happen to us that we aren't ready for—we find ourselves in relationships we weren't expecting, we are called to do work we hadn't anticipated, and we sometimes move far away from where we thought we'd be. There are births and deaths and job changes, losses and gains of all kinds. Why should we expect to be able to predict the seasons? There is a time for everything, but it is not always the time we want or expect.
Each season, no matter when it comes, brings its own challenges and opportunities. When the snow came, I had a chance to walk through it with a content heart, laughing as the trees dumped splats of snow on my head. It's the same with the seasons of my life. When a time of mourning comes, I have a chance to use it to grow closer to God and to reach out to other people. When a time of loss comes, I have a chance to celebrate the blessings I do have. When a time of growth comes, I have a chance to appreciate what I'm gaining, even if I'm really tired. I don't want to waste these opportunities by being angry or stubborn about what season I think it should be. Sometimes I can't control the seasons of my life any more than I can control the weather, but I can learn to appreciate them nevertheless.
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